By Angie White, Ph.D., JVA Consulting

As the year comes to a close, tensions at home and in the workplace can be magnified because of managing end-of-year deadlines and the stress of juggling holiday commitments at work and at home. Here are three situations you might find yourself in this holiday season and some communication strategies to help you stay jolly and bright.

Being given unsolicited advice

Situation at home: After a recent break up, your sister-in-law seems to think that she is your relationship counselor and is constantly giving you unsolicited advice about your love life and tips on dating. She’s even taken to mentioning that you’re single to every eligible stranger you meet!

Situation at work: During board meetings, your board chair relentlessly makes suggestions to you about how to be a better executive director that all seem to begin with, “Well, when I was an executive director a few years ago, I always….” You’re feeling increasingly frustrated by his unasked for micromanaging.

Even when it comes from someone you love with the best of intentions, having to listen to unwanted advice can be tough. So how do you respond effectively when being barraged by unasked for solutions?

Be kind and direct in setting boundaries by a simple statement such as: “I know you really enjoy sharing your experience, but what I most need right now is your help in completing the marketing for the fundraising event and ensuring that all board members can attend.” Another approach is, “I’ll trust the board chair responsibilities to you if you trust the executive director responsibilities to me.”Or, to family, “I know you love me, but what I’d most appreciate from you is your support, not your advice.”

It’s also important to recognize that sometimes people are just giving advice as a way to reach out and connect to you, or because they’re in dire need of some acknowledgement. It might seem counterintuitive to encourage advice givers to keep talking, but doing so can take the spotlight off of your supposed problem in need of fixing and provide a forum to more mutually enjoyable conversation.

Try asking your sister-in-law to tell the story of how she met your brother, or encourage your board chair to kick off your next meeting by sharing his most memorable success or challenge while leading a nonprofit. Once the advice givers have had their moment to shine, invite others to share their stories as well (note: stories, not advice). If the advice giver continues to dominate the conversation, you could say, “Thanks for your perspective, but I’d like to make sure that all voices are heard.”

Cornered by a constant complainer

Situation at work: A coworker launches—yet again—into a seemingly endless account about howhis job is so difficult, his workload so overwhelming and his commute so stressful. You want to be sympathetic, but the negativity is really bringing the office down.

Situation at home: Your great aunt Mildred isn’t shy about making any conversation about her, and recently it seems that everything she says is negative. In the middle of your description about a great hiking trail, she interrupts to complain about her bad knees. Over dessert, she grumbles about how hard it is to lose weight. Later, you hear about her angry neighbor, bad back and terrible experience at the grocery store. When does it end?

One of my tried-and-true strategies for heading off a constant complainer’s endless drone of problems comes from my mom, Merry, who suggests a simple method to reorient the complainer to focus on solutions rather than problems. First, express your genuinely felt sympathy (“I’m so sorry to hear that”) and then ask, “What are you going to do about it?” with genuine interest and care. If the complainer switches back to a problem-focus, keep re-focusing on solutions (“What weight-loss strategies have worked for you in the past?” or “You seemed to really enjoy working with donors last month; what did you like most about that project?”)

Above all, remember that you are not expected to solve others’ problems. You can be a great friend simply by listening and asking focused questions. Trying to come up with a solution is not only time-consuming and frustrating, but you risk becoming an unsolicited advice giver.

The joke that hurts

Situation at home: Grandma pinches your stomach and loudly jokes that your partner’s cooking must be delicious because you’ve certainly been packing on the pounds.

Situation at work: One executive director recently shared that his staff make jokes about him in front of clients and donors along the lines of, “Bob might be the creative vision, but (laughing) he’s not really a detail guy! He can’t meet a deadline to save his life, and if I had a nickel for every meeting he’s forgotten to show up for, I’d be rich!”

Even when they’re said with a laugh and a smile, jokes that paint people in a negative light are almost always hurtful. How do you stand up for yourself and keep the mood lighthearted?

You’re in a tough spot here, because you’ll need to keep your cool while avoiding being both defensive (shouting, “I am not!”) and offensive (responding aggressively with you own equally mean joke). To gracefully stick up for yourself, quickly and resolutely acknowledge that the joke didn’t resonate well with you and then reassure the joke teller that you’re not angry.

Right when the joke is said, directly acknowledge that you’re feeling hurt by the comment by saying, “Grandma, that hurts my feelings” or, in the workplace, “Ouch Carol, that one stings.”Keep your tone calm and even to avoid coming across as passive aggressive or sarcastic.

Then give the joke teller reassurance that you won’t hold a grudge about it by saying, “I know you didn’t say it out of spite or mean to be hurtful.” This “everything’s OK” statement allows you to take control of the situation, lightens the mood (especially if clients are present) and prevents any defensive retaliation (along the lines of “Calm down Bob, it was just a joke!”) from the joke teller. After you’ve acknowledged and reassured, move on, and don’t belabor the point by continuing to dwell on or talk about it.

If you feel that the joker didn’t understand the gravity of his/her comments, you can bring the hurtful comment up again later (when you’re not in front of clients, donors or family members). Use a quick do/don’t strategy to make your intentions clear:

At work: “I don’t want you to think that I don’t value your opinions and even critique, but I do want to tell you that your joking comments are more hurtful to me than you might realize. Also, I hope that we can be a united team in front of clients and not cut each other down.” Or at home: “Grandma, I don’t want you to think I’m mad at you, but I do want to let you know that because I respect your opinion so much, it brings me down when you make disparaging remarks about my appearance.”

Next month, I’ll tackle more tricky situations, including how to confront someone about his or her inconsiderate behavior and what to do if you’ve said something you regret. Until then, wishing you happy holidays and stress-free communication at work and at home.